Quiet morning

I'm sitting here in the quiet of the morning. Clem is fixing coffee in the kitchen, but it's still dark outside. All kids are tucked away.
I think this has been one of the nicest weeks I can remember in recent history. Not the weather -- just life.
I'm allowing myself to be happy. To count my blessings instead of my frustrations.
The kids are healthy. I am healthy for the most part. We are entirely comfortable and gifted by love and support from family and friends.
But in my usual busy schedule I hadn't really noticed. I am perpetually distracted. "Where are the kids?" "Who has dance or wrestling or practice or piano?" "What's for dinner?" "Is the laundry done?"
But I was sitting in the pick up earlier this week and it hit me. I'm happy.
Not angry, depressed or frustrated. I'm happy.
I'm not worrying about all the things I do wrong and all the things I should be doing. I'm just enjoying what we have and more importantly, who I am with.
Last August, I was planning for a divorce. In fact for the last 3.5 years... maybe the last 5... I have been planning a divorce.
I'm aware I may re-enter that world of worry. But it doesn't feel like it's hanging over my head.This is a huge change and a giant burden lifted.
I had kept it together this long to protect my children. As I write, it seems contrary to common sense. We were in a verbally abusive situation -- it would have made more sense to leave a long time ago. There have been times over the years when I, in fact, should have left. I didn't. It always seemed like pulling them out and away from everything they knew and loved would traumatize them more. In my head, I knew that leaving their dad would be a temporary fix. They'd have to spend time with him unsupervised -- and if he had an episode of verbal bashing -- there would be no one there to speak out against it.
So I never left. I talked about it. I planned it. I cried. I threatened. I retreated. I withdrew. I buried myself in an eating disorder. I clawed my way out of it.
In a series of events -- which oddly enough -- seem to always happen to in October I finally put a stop to what was happening.
A year ago last October, after being screamed at for years and for everything, I finally said, "Get help". I spent one night away from home and two months sleeping in another room. He went to counseling and to the doctor.
Turns out he had 3 metabolic issues working against him -- all of which individually are known to cause mood swings. He had all three causing him to be a screaming tyrant.
He got help. I never would have guessed he'd do that.
For the last year, I've been sort of stumbling through our lives. Stunned he was, after more than a decade, doing and trying all the things I'd been asking for... and it wasn't simply him...it was medical. I had no idea. I had thought he was having diabetic rages. When he finally got the diagnosis the situation didn't get better as I had hoped. It got worse. Diabetes was only one of the three. He had a hormone imbalance I wouldn't have even thought to check, but his doctor caught.. god bless that woman. He has too much iron in his system. The three issues worked together to cause him to be a raging monster in one moment and a gentle giant in the next.
After a year of spending countless hours in medical offices, research and worry, it seems the changes in him are permanent.
I don't have to walk on egg shells. He has moments of anger ... but don't we all?
So a year ago I told him to get help. This last October, I had to look myself in the mirror and decide what I really wanted.
I did that. I had to admit that the anger I was packing around was making me sick, driving my children crazy and hurting my husband's efforts to heal.
I had to let go. I had to stop holding all that anger in and and tell him how I feel. I had to appreciate what I have and stand up for what needed changed.
However, I also met with a divorce attorney. We went over my risks and potential outcomes. Then, I put divorce away. I knew I wouldn't want to make any major decision until after the holiday season. If was going to make any major changes in my life it wouldn't happen until after Feb. 1.
It's after Feb. 1 and I'm sitting in my lovely living room and thinking about how lucky I am to live where I live and enjoy the life we live with someone who cared enough about me to truly change his life.
Our relationship is not perfect, but I don't think it was designed to be. I may be filing for divorce again by August. For now, though, I'm going to enjoy the peace that is currently surrounding my life.
It's long overdue...