Here's what I did for myself today:
I spent the morning... and a portion of the afternoon sewing. Were there a ton of other things I could ...or should... have been doing....but I went next door, where, conveniently, there is a quilt shop and sewing studio... and I worked on the cutest little heart shaped bag.
I didn't finish it, but will post pictures when I do.
It was so relaxing! Good ol' fashioned female bonding. The other women there and I talked about darn near everything and shared a nice lunch.
Lately, I've been craving creativity. I have the urge to create art or sew something. Write.
In my world, other things to be in the way. Kid stuff. Family stuff. School stuff. House stuff.
Each Wednesday, my neighbor has a sewing workshop. Sometimes it's just an Unfinished Object workshop where we work on whatever projects we have going on. Sometimes, there's a more formal class. For part of the summer, I was diligent about going to the workshops. But then I got busy and all that other stuff go in the way. So after the first of the year, when I started doing my "what am I doing for me" crusade, I vowed to again make a commitment to going to the classes.
Sometimes, I think, we get in the mindset that we have to earn the right to do the things we love. Once again, postpone joy.
So, despite all the other things I SHOULD have been doing... I allowed myself to get lost in creativity and estrogen power.
It was great!
Guess what? All those shoulds are still there. We lived. I'm just as far behind as I was before I went to the sewing shop. But I feel so much better! I love the purse I'm creating.
And for a person who rarely relaxes -- I relaxed.
So, for my first month of Do something for myself each day, I'm pretty happy with how it's going. I'm removing clutter, I'm not postponing joy, I'm celebrating me.
Not a bad way to kick off the year!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Sunday, sunday...sunday...
Ok, so I didn't make it to church today. This isn't particularly unusual,as I rarely make it to church. The difference is I actually kinda wanted to go. Katy being at the new Christian school has caused me to look a little deeper into my faith -- wanting to explore it more.
The thing is, church is incredibly inconvenient. The local mass is at 5 on Saturday and those of you with kids understand that either you have been doing something all day and by 5 have cranky children or are on your way to do something with kids and probably running late anyway. Sunday morning masses are at least 30 minutes away. So no only do I have to get up and dress like I give a damn I have to drive more than 10 minutes.
Lame excuses for avoid hanging out with my fellow Catholics in the light of God, I know.
So I'm sitting here at 10 minutes 'til 10 trying to decide what to do with myself today. I have a long list of things I SHOULD do. Let's see; prep for a Girl Scout meeting, clean various rooms, laundry, bills...bla, bla, bla. What do I WANT to do? I'm not entirely sure at the moment. What would bring me JOY? Hmmmm.... I'm thinking cooking. My sister and her boyfriend are coming over to watch football -- So I'm thinking food is in order. That would be fun. The bonus is, the kitchen is near the laundry room so I could mutli-task -- and then knock a few things off the SHOULD list.
I'm always amazed at how much I relax in the kitchen -- although I can easily burn out on cooking. Sometimes there is the mundane task of chopping -- peaceful in its simplicity. There is the creativity in building something beautiful and edible. Perhaps, for me it is that I can get lose in the kitchen as easily as I get lost in writing or while reading a good book. There is also the other part of me...the rebel.
It's my opportunity to rule over the food instead of the food ruling me. I have to be careful here because it's easy to lose control and eat uncontrollably, but in general I can reign supreme here.
Friday and Saturday I made yummy cakes for a cake auction at Katy's school. They turned out splendidly. I love being able to feed other people and bring them joy. I have to be careful, though, not to take it too personally when they don't want to eat what I've prepared or if someone doesn't like what I place in front of them.
This came up recently because my son refuses to eat anything outside of his 4 main food groups; pizza, ham and cheese sandwiches, cereal and chicken nuggets.
My husband and I have gone the rounds -- using every trick in every book and every piece of advice I've ever heard. The kid won't eat.
Then the other day, I got to thinkin' -- why does it matter. He's not starving. He's probably not getting enough vitamins, but I can throw a Fred Flinstone vitamin at him every so often. He'll live. It's not that he doesn't appreciate what's in front of him--it's simply that he's not into the big meal. He can feed himself if he's hungry.
I can require him to sit and the table for family meals. He can participate in the discussion, but forcing him to eat really solves nothing and creates all sorts of other problems.
So my husband and I decided to let this go. We made up new rules. He, like the other kids, have to eat something before they leave the house. Often they're not hungry for a big breakfast -- but they have to have a little something before they go to school. Then, if they don't like the food that's prepared, they have to take a "no-thank-you-bite" and then they can move on. I will not prepare a separate meal for them. If they don't like what's being served, they can either go without or make themselves something else.
My son or my other children's lack of interest in what I've prepared is no reflection on me or my cooking. I have to allow them to respect their body and their taste buds. While I've heard all sorts of people tell me I'm allowing them to get away with too much -- that the children should have to sit down at the table and eat what's in front of them and if not it's a sign of disrespect... but why?
We don't need anymore eating disorders in the family. We aren't starving or destitute. There are some boundaries; no pop. No junk-food without something healthy to balance it out. No eating after 7 p.m. -- unless the rest of the family is eating at that time too. If they choose not to eat their no thank you bites, then they clean the kitchen and do the dishes by themselves.
It's another in my list of what I did for myself. I was sick of the arguments and battles over food. I was sick of the stress at the dinner table. They'll have all sorts of ways to disrespect me as they grow up -- why on earth do it over food?
And maybe, just maybe, they'll grow up respecting their bodies. Eating when they're hungry, stopping when they're full.
How bad would that be?
The thing is, church is incredibly inconvenient. The local mass is at 5 on Saturday and those of you with kids understand that either you have been doing something all day and by 5 have cranky children or are on your way to do something with kids and probably running late anyway. Sunday morning masses are at least 30 minutes away. So no only do I have to get up and dress like I give a damn I have to drive more than 10 minutes.
Lame excuses for avoid hanging out with my fellow Catholics in the light of God, I know.
So I'm sitting here at 10 minutes 'til 10 trying to decide what to do with myself today. I have a long list of things I SHOULD do. Let's see; prep for a Girl Scout meeting, clean various rooms, laundry, bills...bla, bla, bla. What do I WANT to do? I'm not entirely sure at the moment. What would bring me JOY? Hmmmm.... I'm thinking cooking. My sister and her boyfriend are coming over to watch football -- So I'm thinking food is in order. That would be fun. The bonus is, the kitchen is near the laundry room so I could mutli-task -- and then knock a few things off the SHOULD list.
I'm always amazed at how much I relax in the kitchen -- although I can easily burn out on cooking. Sometimes there is the mundane task of chopping -- peaceful in its simplicity. There is the creativity in building something beautiful and edible. Perhaps, for me it is that I can get lose in the kitchen as easily as I get lost in writing or while reading a good book. There is also the other part of me...the rebel.
It's my opportunity to rule over the food instead of the food ruling me. I have to be careful here because it's easy to lose control and eat uncontrollably, but in general I can reign supreme here.
Friday and Saturday I made yummy cakes for a cake auction at Katy's school. They turned out splendidly. I love being able to feed other people and bring them joy. I have to be careful, though, not to take it too personally when they don't want to eat what I've prepared or if someone doesn't like what I place in front of them.
This came up recently because my son refuses to eat anything outside of his 4 main food groups; pizza, ham and cheese sandwiches, cereal and chicken nuggets.
My husband and I have gone the rounds -- using every trick in every book and every piece of advice I've ever heard. The kid won't eat.
Then the other day, I got to thinkin' -- why does it matter. He's not starving. He's probably not getting enough vitamins, but I can throw a Fred Flinstone vitamin at him every so often. He'll live. It's not that he doesn't appreciate what's in front of him--it's simply that he's not into the big meal. He can feed himself if he's hungry.
I can require him to sit and the table for family meals. He can participate in the discussion, but forcing him to eat really solves nothing and creates all sorts of other problems.
So my husband and I decided to let this go. We made up new rules. He, like the other kids, have to eat something before they leave the house. Often they're not hungry for a big breakfast -- but they have to have a little something before they go to school. Then, if they don't like the food that's prepared, they have to take a "no-thank-you-bite" and then they can move on. I will not prepare a separate meal for them. If they don't like what's being served, they can either go without or make themselves something else.
My son or my other children's lack of interest in what I've prepared is no reflection on me or my cooking. I have to allow them to respect their body and their taste buds. While I've heard all sorts of people tell me I'm allowing them to get away with too much -- that the children should have to sit down at the table and eat what's in front of them and if not it's a sign of disrespect... but why?
We don't need anymore eating disorders in the family. We aren't starving or destitute. There are some boundaries; no pop. No junk-food without something healthy to balance it out. No eating after 7 p.m. -- unless the rest of the family is eating at that time too. If they choose not to eat their no thank you bites, then they clean the kitchen and do the dishes by themselves.
It's another in my list of what I did for myself. I was sick of the arguments and battles over food. I was sick of the stress at the dinner table. They'll have all sorts of ways to disrespect me as they grow up -- why on earth do it over food?
And maybe, just maybe, they'll grow up respecting their bodies. Eating when they're hungry, stopping when they're full.
How bad would that be?
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Crash landing
Well, so much for getting caught up over the weekend!
Sunday afternoon, I went sledding with my husband and children. Feeling spry, I hopped on one of the tubes and headed down the hill.
And straight into a metal fence post.
You know how you watch other people crash and think, "If that were me, I would do something different"?
Saturday I watched people crash into that same fence post and thought, "They should just roll out of the tube! Duh!"
Faced with the sight of the fence post comin' straight at me, I told myself to roll out. In my head I was rolling out. Really. I saw myself rolling gracefully out and watching the tube bounce into the the fence post.
In real life, I slammed into that thing, bending it over dang near 90 degrees and giving myself what turned out to be a minor concussion, a damaged shoulder joint and nasty black bruises up and down my right side.
Yep, I'm that good.
The bummer is that I won't be able to sled any more this season...and it's put me a bit behind as I haven't felt up to doing much...haven't really felt myself...thanks to the concussion etc.
Thankfully, I have these crazy children to keep me on my toes.
My daughters looked over the bruises and pronounced the colors would be great for eye shadow.
My son, upon seeing me crash -- raced down the hill to my side...my little hero.
This accident could have been a lot worse, so I'm pretty much just laughing it off when I'm not whining about how much I hurt.
I'm glad I hopped on the sled. Took a risk.
I know a lot of people who are afraid to play with their kids in fear they'll look silly, or that they're too fat, or that they'll mess up their hair.
I'm not a sidelines kinda girl, so I stopped sitting along the bench a long time ago.
Why wait until I lose weight, have a better hair cut and cuter snow pants to play with my kids in the sun and snow?
Each day I try to focus on what brings me joy in that moment. Not to the point of being irresponsible, but appreciating that I'm alive and I have a blessed life.
Sunday afternoon, I went sledding with my husband and children. Feeling spry, I hopped on one of the tubes and headed down the hill.
And straight into a metal fence post.
You know how you watch other people crash and think, "If that were me, I would do something different"?
Saturday I watched people crash into that same fence post and thought, "They should just roll out of the tube! Duh!"
Faced with the sight of the fence post comin' straight at me, I told myself to roll out. In my head I was rolling out. Really. I saw myself rolling gracefully out and watching the tube bounce into the the fence post.
In real life, I slammed into that thing, bending it over dang near 90 degrees and giving myself what turned out to be a minor concussion, a damaged shoulder joint and nasty black bruises up and down my right side.
Yep, I'm that good.
The bummer is that I won't be able to sled any more this season...and it's put me a bit behind as I haven't felt up to doing much...haven't really felt myself...thanks to the concussion etc.
Thankfully, I have these crazy children to keep me on my toes.
My daughters looked over the bruises and pronounced the colors would be great for eye shadow.
My son, upon seeing me crash -- raced down the hill to my side...my little hero.
This accident could have been a lot worse, so I'm pretty much just laughing it off when I'm not whining about how much I hurt.
I'm glad I hopped on the sled. Took a risk.
I know a lot of people who are afraid to play with their kids in fear they'll look silly, or that they're too fat, or that they'll mess up their hair.
I'm not a sidelines kinda girl, so I stopped sitting along the bench a long time ago.
Why wait until I lose weight, have a better hair cut and cuter snow pants to play with my kids in the sun and snow?
Each day I try to focus on what brings me joy in that moment. Not to the point of being irresponsible, but appreciating that I'm alive and I have a blessed life.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Just a quick update
I've been swamped, so sorry for no updates. I'll catch up over the weekend!
Go out and do something spectacular for yourself today.
Go out and do something spectacular for yourself today.
Monday, January 11, 2010
What I did for myself today: Had coffee
What inspired me today: Silence
What am I listening to: Foo Fighters, Times Like These
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVm8jPBhmMU
(I know there is a way to "hotlink" these sites, but it doesn't seem to be working)
So I spent the better part of the evening beating myself up. I had intended all day to take a nice long fitness walk or spend 30 minutes working out on the Wii.
It never happened.
I thought I might take a walk along the fitness trail in Jerome ( a city about 30 minutes south of where I live and where my oldest child attends school). But I decided to come home because I wasn't entirely sure where the trail was or where to park.
I came home and decided I would start a load of laundry and get lunch started then go for a walk. But then I got busy and didn't make it out so I thought I'd go after lunch, but then I had unexpected company. Then the kids came home and then I had to go back to Jerome to pick up Katy, groceries ... run errands. Then chores. Then dinner. Then homework. Then music practice.
It's now 10:15 and I still haven't worked in any fitness time.
The "SHOULD MONSTER" was raging. I should have done it first thing. I should have done it this morning when I had a few minutes while in Jerome. I should manage my time better. SHOULD, SHOULD, SHOULD. ARRRGGGHHH
STOP.
Let's go back over the day: I took my daughter to school. I had a meeting with her principal about some volunteer projects. I had coffee with an old friend and rocked her son to sleep on my chest (I LOVE that feeling).
I finally figured out how to get my laptop off the display mode which has been making me crazy since Christmas morning. I cleaned off the dining room table (no small feat) and then got the bills organized and started getting everything paid. I visited with an old friend who stopped into visit. I got lunch fixed for Clem and myself. I cooked dinner for the family. I fed the chickens and collected 2 dozen eggs. I did 5 loads of laundry, folded and put them away. I chatted on Facebook. I was busy all day.
I'm thinkin' in retrospect, I didn't too badly.
I don't think we give ourselves enough credit for what we do, focusing instead on what we don't get done.
I also am convinced that I can get more done than an human could possibly manage. Somehow, I think I'm different.
Then, we I don't get the things done I think I'm supposed to get done, then I think I've failed. Then, I have an excuse to treat myself poorly. I am, afterall, a failure, right?
Right?
WRONG.
Look at the list of things I got done today. That's failure? No. By no means.
Being aware of that -- that's success.
So here's to giving ourselves a break ... celebrating what we did and not what we didn't. For being thankful that we can see the difference.
What inspired me today: Silence
What am I listening to: Foo Fighters, Times Like These
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVm8jPBhmMU
(I know there is a way to "hotlink" these sites, but it doesn't seem to be working)
So I spent the better part of the evening beating myself up. I had intended all day to take a nice long fitness walk or spend 30 minutes working out on the Wii.
It never happened.
I thought I might take a walk along the fitness trail in Jerome ( a city about 30 minutes south of where I live and where my oldest child attends school). But I decided to come home because I wasn't entirely sure where the trail was or where to park.
I came home and decided I would start a load of laundry and get lunch started then go for a walk. But then I got busy and didn't make it out so I thought I'd go after lunch, but then I had unexpected company. Then the kids came home and then I had to go back to Jerome to pick up Katy, groceries ... run errands. Then chores. Then dinner. Then homework. Then music practice.
It's now 10:15 and I still haven't worked in any fitness time.
The "SHOULD MONSTER" was raging. I should have done it first thing. I should have done it this morning when I had a few minutes while in Jerome. I should manage my time better. SHOULD, SHOULD, SHOULD. ARRRGGGHHH
STOP.
Let's go back over the day: I took my daughter to school. I had a meeting with her principal about some volunteer projects. I had coffee with an old friend and rocked her son to sleep on my chest (I LOVE that feeling).
I finally figured out how to get my laptop off the display mode which has been making me crazy since Christmas morning. I cleaned off the dining room table (no small feat) and then got the bills organized and started getting everything paid. I visited with an old friend who stopped into visit. I got lunch fixed for Clem and myself. I cooked dinner for the family. I fed the chickens and collected 2 dozen eggs. I did 5 loads of laundry, folded and put them away. I chatted on Facebook. I was busy all day.
I'm thinkin' in retrospect, I didn't too badly.
I don't think we give ourselves enough credit for what we do, focusing instead on what we don't get done.
I also am convinced that I can get more done than an human could possibly manage. Somehow, I think I'm different.
Then, we I don't get the things done I think I'm supposed to get done, then I think I've failed. Then, I have an excuse to treat myself poorly. I am, afterall, a failure, right?
Right?
WRONG.
Look at the list of things I got done today. That's failure? No. By no means.
Being aware of that -- that's success.
So here's to giving ourselves a break ... celebrating what we did and not what we didn't. For being thankful that we can see the difference.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Take the challenge!
One of the most difficult things for me to deal with this time of year is the insane amount of advertising and other media telling me it's time to lose weight. There are countless suggestions that I need to try a new diet plan, workout more.
Basically the weight loss industry is telling us we're not perfect but we would be if we'd spend money on their plan. They're counting on us to fail because that's how they make more money.
It's so hard for me to resist the temptation sometimes. A new diet plan might do just the trick. I know that I don't need a diet plan.
Everything I need is already within me.
The other day I was over at my friend's house. She'd had three people want to do a weight loss challenge with her. It's so discouraging to have people assume you want to lose weight. Wouldn't it be nice if we didn't always assume others were disappointed in their body?
Anyway, my friend and I decided rather than accepting these offers to start new diets, it would be better to dedicate our energy to taking better care of ourselves -- blessing our hearts each day.
As I suggested earlier, each of us could promise not to track each other's weight loss, but to encourage each other to take care of our bodies and souls -- Do something nice for ourselves each day.
So I'm going to again challenge each of us to join this challenge -- and post your results, if you wish, in the comments window.
This morning I heard a great quote. Of course, I couldn't find a pencil to write it down soon enough but it went a little something like this:
"Wouldn't it be great if, in this country, we didn't celebrate who lost 300 pounds or who won the game, but we celebrated ideas, and art and creativity."
I'm in the process of tracking down the actual quote and source, but just think about that for a minute.
Wouldn't it be cool if we could celebrate each other's growth as a person, highlight a project completed, or art inspired?
Think about how much time we spend thinking about our weight, other people's weight and how to lose it. If we put that time same time into spending time with our loved ones or serving the community or learning a new skill -- imagine what a different world this might be.
Let's turn our attention away from the external and focus on the internal -- the things that really matter in our lives: our blessed bodies for they allow us to exist and interact, our relationships, our souls... it's up to you.
Basically the weight loss industry is telling us we're not perfect but we would be if we'd spend money on their plan. They're counting on us to fail because that's how they make more money.
It's so hard for me to resist the temptation sometimes. A new diet plan might do just the trick. I know that I don't need a diet plan.
Everything I need is already within me.
The other day I was over at my friend's house. She'd had three people want to do a weight loss challenge with her. It's so discouraging to have people assume you want to lose weight. Wouldn't it be nice if we didn't always assume others were disappointed in their body?
Anyway, my friend and I decided rather than accepting these offers to start new diets, it would be better to dedicate our energy to taking better care of ourselves -- blessing our hearts each day.
As I suggested earlier, each of us could promise not to track each other's weight loss, but to encourage each other to take care of our bodies and souls -- Do something nice for ourselves each day.
So I'm going to again challenge each of us to join this challenge -- and post your results, if you wish, in the comments window.
This morning I heard a great quote. Of course, I couldn't find a pencil to write it down soon enough but it went a little something like this:
"Wouldn't it be great if, in this country, we didn't celebrate who lost 300 pounds or who won the game, but we celebrated ideas, and art and creativity."
I'm in the process of tracking down the actual quote and source, but just think about that for a minute.
Wouldn't it be cool if we could celebrate each other's growth as a person, highlight a project completed, or art inspired?
Think about how much time we spend thinking about our weight, other people's weight and how to lose it. If we put that time same time into spending time with our loved ones or serving the community or learning a new skill -- imagine what a different world this might be.
Let's turn our attention away from the external and focus on the internal -- the things that really matter in our lives: our blessed bodies for they allow us to exist and interact, our relationships, our souls... it's up to you.
Catching up!
Been away from the blog for a couple of days. But I wanted to catch up on my challenge to do something good for ourselves each day.
SO here goes:
Friday January 8:
What I did for myself: Got a massage.
Sometimes, especially when we're not feeling body confident, it's hard to even imagine letting someone else touch us. However, I have to say massage is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. A competent and professional therapist offers healing and comfort. One of my favorite parts of my massages is when my therapist (and dear friend and neighbor) massages my tummy. This is a part of my body I'm sometimes very ashamed of. Initially I was nervous about letting anyone touch my stomach. But it did my tummy and my heart good to allow a loving and therapeutic touch. It always eases my anxiety over my stomach.
What inspired me today: My daughter is taking voice lessons and she has a beautiful voice!
What I'm listening to: Soul Sister by Train
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVpv8-5XWOI
Just a fun song.
Saturday January 9:
What I did for myself: Did 30 minutes on Wii Fit plus. The kids joined me (as I needed instruction) I can no longer lift my arms, but had a great time
What inspired me today: I can always tell when I'm on the right path because doors just fly open. I had a great conversation with one of the teachers from Katy's school about some ideas I wanted to bring to the table there.
What I'm listening to: My daughter is learning the song I am a Friend of God for school
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcxKRsn-hGc
Sunday January 10, 2010
What I did for myself today: I cleaned out my closet. I'm telling you it was ridiculous in there. CLuttered, crowded and dirty. I couldn't find anything. So I cleaned it out and ended up with three 30-gallon garbage bags of clothes and shoes to give to someone else. If it didn't fit like a glove and make me feel special -- it is gone!
What inspired me today: Being able to walk into my closet without stepping on anything and finding something that blesses my body.
What am I listening to: ME! I forced myself to turn off my inner critic today and just enjoy the silence and the gifts of my own thoughts.
SO here goes:
Friday January 8:
What I did for myself: Got a massage.
Sometimes, especially when we're not feeling body confident, it's hard to even imagine letting someone else touch us. However, I have to say massage is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. A competent and professional therapist offers healing and comfort. One of my favorite parts of my massages is when my therapist (and dear friend and neighbor) massages my tummy. This is a part of my body I'm sometimes very ashamed of. Initially I was nervous about letting anyone touch my stomach. But it did my tummy and my heart good to allow a loving and therapeutic touch. It always eases my anxiety over my stomach.
What inspired me today: My daughter is taking voice lessons and she has a beautiful voice!
What I'm listening to: Soul Sister by Train
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVpv8-5XWOI
Just a fun song.
Saturday January 9:
What I did for myself: Did 30 minutes on Wii Fit plus. The kids joined me (as I needed instruction) I can no longer lift my arms, but had a great time
What inspired me today: I can always tell when I'm on the right path because doors just fly open. I had a great conversation with one of the teachers from Katy's school about some ideas I wanted to bring to the table there.
What I'm listening to: My daughter is learning the song I am a Friend of God for school
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcxKRsn-hGc
Sunday January 10, 2010
What I did for myself today: I cleaned out my closet. I'm telling you it was ridiculous in there. CLuttered, crowded and dirty. I couldn't find anything. So I cleaned it out and ended up with three 30-gallon garbage bags of clothes and shoes to give to someone else. If it didn't fit like a glove and make me feel special -- it is gone!
What inspired me today: Being able to walk into my closet without stepping on anything and finding something that blesses my body.
What am I listening to: ME! I forced myself to turn off my inner critic today and just enjoy the silence and the gifts of my own thoughts.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Casting Pearls
"Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you." - KJV, Matthew 7:6
A friend of mine referred to this verse in a conversation today and I can't get it out of my head.
It refers, I think, to doing things for people who don't appreciate it. Now that I've looked up the quote, I also really like the suggestion to not give that which is holy to the dogs.
I know I've spent a lot of time feeding the dogs and pigs. When I first heard this reference, I was reminded of all the time and energy I give and give and give to everyone. Everyone, that is, except me.
Over the past year I've really made an effort to stop this futile exercise. I've cut back on my volunteer work, said no to being on boards and committees. I still have plenty to keep me busy.
The movement to cut back came partially because my doctor said, essentially, "Do it or else" and partially because my children pointed out that I was spending more time with other people's children than I was with them.
It's difficult, because I have been over committed with volunteer work since I was in high school. While other kids rebelled by doing drugs, I rebelled by volunteering for every possible club, committee and organizations.
Now that I've had the better part of the year away from the frenetic schedule I'd been keeping, I can see now that the work I was putting in, while good theory, was really a lot of "pearls".
Granted I did good things. Raised money for good causes. Inspired others. But all the time doing good, took me away from what was really important.
I was burning myself out. Neglecting my kids. Serving everyone but the people who really need me most.
I learned a lot and met a lot of wonderful people, so I can't look back on those experiences with a negative light.
But I also need to acknowledge that my crazy schedule was and often IS a distraction.
If I'm taking care of everyone and everything else, I have a great excuse not to take care of me.
Something is always more important. Now, if one of my friends were telling me about not having time to take care of themselves, I'd tell them, "You have to take care of yourself first. If the engine doesn't work the car doesn't run."
I'm not particularly good at taking my own advice!
So one of my friends challenged me to wake up each morning and decide what I'm going to do for myself each day. Typically, I make a list of what I need to do...for everybody else.
So today I decided I'd include this blog in the process.
Each I'll post what I did for myself -- a way to be held accountable...
Plus I'll post what inspires me each day.
I'm hoping you'll do the same through your comments so we can share and inspire each other.
The goal here is to keep what is Holy -- me, my time, my children and family out of the dog dish -- keeping the pearls around my neck and out of the pig pen.
It will be a process as I have to learn these new skills. I know that my life works better when I give myself a little time, but I forget easily so I'm hoping including all of you in the process will keep it top of the mind.
So here goes:
What I did for me today: Took a long lunch and shared a meal with a friend and fellow writer. She always inspires me and makes me feel normal in a world where I feel like I don't fit in very well. I also spent some nice "girl time" with my sister-in-law.
What am I listening to: Just Breathe, by Pearl Jam http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eo-UKCxCglg
What inspired me: an incredible sunrise, great friends and an excellent counselor
A friend of mine referred to this verse in a conversation today and I can't get it out of my head.
It refers, I think, to doing things for people who don't appreciate it. Now that I've looked up the quote, I also really like the suggestion to not give that which is holy to the dogs.
I know I've spent a lot of time feeding the dogs and pigs. When I first heard this reference, I was reminded of all the time and energy I give and give and give to everyone. Everyone, that is, except me.
Over the past year I've really made an effort to stop this futile exercise. I've cut back on my volunteer work, said no to being on boards and committees. I still have plenty to keep me busy.
The movement to cut back came partially because my doctor said, essentially, "Do it or else" and partially because my children pointed out that I was spending more time with other people's children than I was with them.
It's difficult, because I have been over committed with volunteer work since I was in high school. While other kids rebelled by doing drugs, I rebelled by volunteering for every possible club, committee and organizations.
Now that I've had the better part of the year away from the frenetic schedule I'd been keeping, I can see now that the work I was putting in, while good theory, was really a lot of "pearls".
Granted I did good things. Raised money for good causes. Inspired others. But all the time doing good, took me away from what was really important.
I was burning myself out. Neglecting my kids. Serving everyone but the people who really need me most.
I learned a lot and met a lot of wonderful people, so I can't look back on those experiences with a negative light.
But I also need to acknowledge that my crazy schedule was and often IS a distraction.
If I'm taking care of everyone and everything else, I have a great excuse not to take care of me.
Something is always more important. Now, if one of my friends were telling me about not having time to take care of themselves, I'd tell them, "You have to take care of yourself first. If the engine doesn't work the car doesn't run."
I'm not particularly good at taking my own advice!
So one of my friends challenged me to wake up each morning and decide what I'm going to do for myself each day. Typically, I make a list of what I need to do...for everybody else.
So today I decided I'd include this blog in the process.
Each I'll post what I did for myself -- a way to be held accountable...
Plus I'll post what inspires me each day.
I'm hoping you'll do the same through your comments so we can share and inspire each other.
The goal here is to keep what is Holy -- me, my time, my children and family out of the dog dish -- keeping the pearls around my neck and out of the pig pen.
It will be a process as I have to learn these new skills. I know that my life works better when I give myself a little time, but I forget easily so I'm hoping including all of you in the process will keep it top of the mind.
So here goes:
What I did for me today: Took a long lunch and shared a meal with a friend and fellow writer. She always inspires me and makes me feel normal in a world where I feel like I don't fit in very well. I also spent some nice "girl time" with my sister-in-law.
What am I listening to: Just Breathe, by Pearl Jam http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eo-UKCxCglg
What inspired me: an incredible sunrise, great friends and an excellent counselor
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Pop Star Perfect
This evening, I cooked something I had never cooked before.
Popcorn.
Of course, I've put popcorn in an air popper a million times up 'til now, but tonight, I put oil in a pot, heated it up and tossed in popcorn kernels.
There was such joy as each kernel exploded and bounced against the lid.
As a child, this is how popcorn was always popped. My older sister had an old, beat-up kettle she'd set upon the stove top after adding cooking oil. The popcorn was darker, heavier than the air popped version. It was smoky, chewy and wonderful.
It had this smell -- greasy but not icky.
Tonight as my daughter, niece and I watched with fascination the corn transition from rock solid to crunchy edible, I was instantly transported back to my father's farm. To the small house in which he raised us. The 1970s orange walls, linoleum on the floor.
It was divine.
The process started because we were craving kettle corn. So we added a scoop of sugar into the mix.
Now, I have to admit, while the process was fun and the smells nostalgic, the end result was not great. The first batch scorched. The second was better -- but still not the sweet-salty taste for which we'd hoped.
Though far from perfect, it was a fun and rewarding experience and one we hope to repeat.
Like Christine said in her comments after my last post, humans, like my kettle corn, are flawed and great at the same time.
I love to sit in public places and watch people. More and more, my heart breaks when I see those that clearly are trying to duplicate a notion of American perfection. Fashionable, thin, makeup and hair without flaw.
Most are women and often are good and kind women that spend incredible amounts of time to achieve this perfect look because it makes them feel less vulnerable in a vicious world.
As I move further away from that mindset, I have to wonder how much good could be accomplished in this country if everyone let go of the quest for perfection. Could we solve the hunger crisis? Could we teach the illiterate to read? Could we reduce or even end eating disorders or other addictions?
I'm not sure, but it would seem a better use of time.
I know in my case the quest for perfection has a pretty big root system. I was bounced around a lot as a child -- from relative to relative. I'm sure that instability in my young life left me feeling like if I were just a bit better, I could stay in one place. My step-mother's religion also contributed. It's a religion that teaches the better you act, the more good you do, the closer to perfect you are, the more likely you are to get into heaven. As adult, I have decided I don't think that's true, but I do catch myself repeating those old messages to myself. I know the media has added pressure, along with the fashion and diet industries which tell you with backing from a good deal of the medical industry that we must a) always look good b) be happy all the time and c) fit into unreasonable stereotypes in order to be socially acceptable.
The more I have tried to pull away from those roots, the better I have started to feel about myself. In no way has it been easy. The quest for perfection is deeply ingrained in my psyche.
The reality is we were never created to all look and act the same. From my perspective, which is grounded in a Christian philosophy, we were put on this earth to use our God-given talents to love and support one another physically, mentally and emotionally.
God's love is unconditional and we are challenged in Christianity to love one another as God has loved us. Yet, loving ourselves is one of the most difficult challenges most of us face.
I was reading through a list of conversation starters the other day and one of the questions was "if a friend spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, how long would you be friends?"
In my case, not very long.
I have to work on a daily, sometimes hourly basis to turn off those voices that call me to perfection.
What I know at this part in my life is that I will never be perfect, so there's no sense in fighting this futile battle. I am as God created me, imperfect. Could I do better in my life? Make better choices? Probably. But what I can definitely do is exist and embrace me as a Divine being -- in much the same way God embraces me as a Divine being.
Even better, I can accept you as a Divine being too -- and together we can spend the time we would normally spend obsessing about how we're not good enough doing something that actually matters....
How about making popcorn?
(Thanks, Chris, for inspiring this post)
Popcorn.
Of course, I've put popcorn in an air popper a million times up 'til now, but tonight, I put oil in a pot, heated it up and tossed in popcorn kernels.
There was such joy as each kernel exploded and bounced against the lid.
As a child, this is how popcorn was always popped. My older sister had an old, beat-up kettle she'd set upon the stove top after adding cooking oil. The popcorn was darker, heavier than the air popped version. It was smoky, chewy and wonderful.
It had this smell -- greasy but not icky.
Tonight as my daughter, niece and I watched with fascination the corn transition from rock solid to crunchy edible, I was instantly transported back to my father's farm. To the small house in which he raised us. The 1970s orange walls, linoleum on the floor.
It was divine.
The process started because we were craving kettle corn. So we added a scoop of sugar into the mix.
Now, I have to admit, while the process was fun and the smells nostalgic, the end result was not great. The first batch scorched. The second was better -- but still not the sweet-salty taste for which we'd hoped.
Though far from perfect, it was a fun and rewarding experience and one we hope to repeat.
Like Christine said in her comments after my last post, humans, like my kettle corn, are flawed and great at the same time.
I love to sit in public places and watch people. More and more, my heart breaks when I see those that clearly are trying to duplicate a notion of American perfection. Fashionable, thin, makeup and hair without flaw.
Most are women and often are good and kind women that spend incredible amounts of time to achieve this perfect look because it makes them feel less vulnerable in a vicious world.
As I move further away from that mindset, I have to wonder how much good could be accomplished in this country if everyone let go of the quest for perfection. Could we solve the hunger crisis? Could we teach the illiterate to read? Could we reduce or even end eating disorders or other addictions?
I'm not sure, but it would seem a better use of time.
I know in my case the quest for perfection has a pretty big root system. I was bounced around a lot as a child -- from relative to relative. I'm sure that instability in my young life left me feeling like if I were just a bit better, I could stay in one place. My step-mother's religion also contributed. It's a religion that teaches the better you act, the more good you do, the closer to perfect you are, the more likely you are to get into heaven. As adult, I have decided I don't think that's true, but I do catch myself repeating those old messages to myself. I know the media has added pressure, along with the fashion and diet industries which tell you with backing from a good deal of the medical industry that we must a) always look good b) be happy all the time and c) fit into unreasonable stereotypes in order to be socially acceptable.
The more I have tried to pull away from those roots, the better I have started to feel about myself. In no way has it been easy. The quest for perfection is deeply ingrained in my psyche.
The reality is we were never created to all look and act the same. From my perspective, which is grounded in a Christian philosophy, we were put on this earth to use our God-given talents to love and support one another physically, mentally and emotionally.
God's love is unconditional and we are challenged in Christianity to love one another as God has loved us. Yet, loving ourselves is one of the most difficult challenges most of us face.
I was reading through a list of conversation starters the other day and one of the questions was "if a friend spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, how long would you be friends?"
In my case, not very long.
I have to work on a daily, sometimes hourly basis to turn off those voices that call me to perfection.
What I know at this part in my life is that I will never be perfect, so there's no sense in fighting this futile battle. I am as God created me, imperfect. Could I do better in my life? Make better choices? Probably. But what I can definitely do is exist and embrace me as a Divine being -- in much the same way God embraces me as a Divine being.
Even better, I can accept you as a Divine being too -- and together we can spend the time we would normally spend obsessing about how we're not good enough doing something that actually matters....
How about making popcorn?
(Thanks, Chris, for inspiring this post)
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
You hoooo, I'm right here!
Welcome to the first post in my new blog. I've called it Karma Found because I've spent the last few years trying to find me.
Ta - Da!
Here I am.
I was here the whole time, just hiding behind the part of me that found comfort in living in fear.
No more.
There is no fear in what is real.
I am real. I am nowhere near perfect. I'm flawed. I'm often confused. Normally late.
Moody. Artistic. Intelligent. Kind. Silly. Loving. Passionate.
I'm a lot of things, but until recently, the only way I could define myself was "fat".
That is part of what I look like, but it is not what I am and I don't want to describe myself as just that anymore.
I'm a mother. A writer. An activist.
I'm strong, athletic and driven.
How I look, my pants size, my waist line compared to someone elses???
They mean nothing.
I mean everything.
In this blog I'll chronicle my life, my loves and this flight of fancy called life.
I hope you'll fly with me.
Ta - Da!
Here I am.
I was here the whole time, just hiding behind the part of me that found comfort in living in fear.
No more.
There is no fear in what is real.
I am real. I am nowhere near perfect. I'm flawed. I'm often confused. Normally late.
Moody. Artistic. Intelligent. Kind. Silly. Loving. Passionate.
I'm a lot of things, but until recently, the only way I could define myself was "fat".
That is part of what I look like, but it is not what I am and I don't want to describe myself as just that anymore.
I'm a mother. A writer. An activist.
I'm strong, athletic and driven.
How I look, my pants size, my waist line compared to someone elses???
They mean nothing.
I mean everything.
In this blog I'll chronicle my life, my loves and this flight of fancy called life.
I hope you'll fly with me.
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