It's funny how we all find ways to distract ourselves. Some people smoke or drink. Others work out. I know others than shop and still others who text or spending time on the computer. I probably do a little of everything -- eating leads the list. Talk on the phone. Read. We all have some way of trying to numb the pain we are feeling or think we might feel if we acknowledged our feelings.
I have always volunteered. When I was in high school I had extra curricular activities during every lunch hour and every night after school. If I was gone, I didn't have deal with a home life that was disappointing and confusing. It was doing drugs. I was gaining valuable experience, building a resume' -- doing the good work. That trend has continued into my adult life.
There is the very real part of me that truly enjoys community service. I love most aspects of leadership and activism. I have a lot of interests and many talents and I enjoy what I do.
But, if I'm honest with myself, I know I get over involved because I get uncomfortable just being home.
I'm not sure why. I think it's partly guilt. Guilt that I can stay home when so many of friends have to work to support their families. How did I get so lucky? Maybe it's boredom for this ADD-riddled brain of mine -- I have to have a kabillion things going on in my life to keep interested. I'm lonely, sometimes. I have friends, yes. But it's not like I can walk next door and visit them. (Ok, I can. It's about a quarter of a mile away, but she's almost always at work)I don't really fit in around the farm. The other wives work for the dairy. I do not. I'm liberal. They're not. I went to college. They didn't. They're all good people -- people I really enjoy and cherish. But I'm a bit of a fruit loop in the bowl of cheerios around here.
For many years, I used food to distract myself and numb the feelings of guilt, loneliness, boredom and more. I rarely binge anymore and am getting used to recognizing when my body is full or hungry.
It's an odd sensation. I'm often full when there's a lot of food left on my plate. I find my self quite flabbergasted. What the hell are you supposed to do with the extra food? Not everything is suitable for left overs. How do you get this extra food to the starving children in Africa that are supposed to need it? Then I'm always rather stunned that I DON'T know what to do with the food left on my plate. It seems simple enough. You just push the food away. Throw it away. Put it in the scrap bucket. Save it for later. It all seems odd. After all these years of being part of the clean platers club, it's like I've been kicked to the curb.
Today I was able to walk away from a plate. It made me crazy, but I did it. Did a little victory dance, in fact.
Here's the real clincher. My life doesn't suck nearly as bad as I thought it would without my dependence on binge eating. In fact, it's a pretty good life. I have lots of friends, a supportive family, plenty of activities to keep me busy.
While there is certainly a need for better balance in my life, I'm aware, for the first time in a long time, that the journey is the point. I'm always working on bringing things into balance, but perfection isn't necessary. Sometimes, I have it together. Some days, I don't. That's OK.
Part of what makes me who I am is the ability to juggle a lot of projects at once. The trick is understanding when I'm doing a project because I love it, or because I'm trying to hide. Now that I'm listening to my body, I can tell. If I'm getting physically sick at the prospect of a project or task, it's not a task I need to be doing. I can hear my own voice in my head telling me what's good for me and what's not.
Clarity, much to my surprise, is a blessed gift.
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