Toto, we're not in Arizona anymore.

Here's the good news. Unlike Arizona, Wyoming has picnic tables. At least within Yellowstone National Park it does. But our ongoing quest to seek out suitable picnic tables will not be so easily satisfied.
We arrived in Henrys Lake, Idaho late yesterday afternoon. We have rented a 3 bedroom cabin near the state park. It's comfortable and warm and affords us the luxury of spreading out and cooking our own food. While at face value it costs more than a hotel -- we believe we come out ahead.
The last several months have been typically hectic and we're all tired. It's the kind of exhaustion you feel after living on adrenalin for too long. Now the pressure is off and the body goes into a repair mode. This short vacation is what we need to recharge our batteries.
We went to bed early last night and got up late this morning. Just what the doctor ordered. We woke up to a rainy, windy day. We kind of hope the bad weather will keep other tourists at home. This is unlikely, but it can't hurt to hope.
This vacation gives us the chance to visit two more national parks. As you may recall from our Spring Break trip, I'm obsessed with visiting our national parks. Over spring break we hit 4. Today we took in the grand daddy of them all, Yellowstone National Park.
We had hyped the park's wildlife to the kids and within minutes of passing through the gates, the park held up its end of the bargain. A moose, elk, buffalo, a coyote and a brief glimpse of a wolf -- all within the first 10 miles or so of being in the park.
We headed straight for Old Faithful, stopping at some of the geyser areas along the way. Already it's been a great lesson for the kids. Amid the instant gratification and artificial world of video games and television, Mother Nature creates real entertainment. The vivid colors of the bacteria that live in the geyser fields--the anticipation of seeing where the the trail will lead -- real life has the best graphics.
We made it to Old Faithful just in time for a good eruption. The kids were only mildly impressed. It was time for lunch. Past time. Everyone was getting cranky. Surely there would be a picnic table near by.
There might have been.
But picnic tables tend to disappear if our presence. Finally we spotted one in a wooded area. Snow covered and muddy. But a picnic table. We made quick work of sandwiches and chips. Chipmunks waited at our feet for tasty treats. Camp robber birds flew over head.
We packed up and headed out -- only to find just around the next bend...beautiful picnic tables, lakeside... and for only a few brief moments -- sun. Oh Well...
Next on the itinerary: Upper and Lower falls. The kids were fading. It was raining. But we really needed some exercise. The falls are truly breathtaking and worth the walk. Last time we were here, Clem and I hiked to water fall somewhere in this park -- but we had to climb this horrendous stair case. We've been telling the kids about it. They want to make the trip as well. Each time we mention it, we both look at each other with that, "I'm going to regret saying that" wince.
10 years ago, both of us were better shape. Much better shape. Neither of us is confident we can make the climb now. With luck the children will forget we mentioned the staircase....
The way I see it, we must have picked a good cabin. The kids wanted to go back to the cabin. They were even tired of seeing buffalo. All three fell asleep after the last look at the falls. Clem and I drove home listening to the windshield wipers as the kids slept in a pile in the back of the suburban.
Within a few minutes of being home we heard the sound no mother wants to hear; bodies tumbling down the stairs. Apparently, there were trying to play a version of leap frog while coming down the stairs. I'm not sure why that made sense to them. I suspect they won't try that game again.
Tomorrow we'll head for Grand Teton National Park and conclude the day with dinner at a friends cabin.
Sure, it would be nice if there were sunshine. But the sun tends to make us want to go out and do more. We did plenty and the rain makes us want to snuggle into warm blankets. Perhaps, this is what we need.

April Showers bring May clarity

I can't believe it's been more than a month since I posted. Really?! The month of April just zipped by and I've been, as usual, trapped in one project after another.

It's funny how we all find ways to distract ourselves. Some people smoke or drink. Others work out. I know others than shop and still others who text or spending time on the computer. I probably do a little of everything -- eating leads the list. Talk on the phone. Read. We all have some way of trying to numb the pain we are feeling or think we might feel if we acknowledged our feelings.

I have always volunteered. When I was in high school I had extra curricular activities during every lunch hour and every night after school. If I was gone, I didn't have deal with a home life that was disappointing and confusing. It was doing drugs. I was gaining valuable experience, building a resume' -- doing the good work. That trend has continued into my adult life.

There is the very real part of me that truly enjoys community service. I love most aspects of leadership and activism. I have a lot of interests and many talents and I enjoy what I do.

But, if I'm honest with myself, I know I get over involved because I get uncomfortable just being home.

I'm not sure why. I think it's partly guilt. Guilt that I can stay home when so many of friends have to work to support their families. How did I get so lucky? Maybe it's boredom for this ADD-riddled brain of mine -- I have to have a kabillion things going on in my life to keep interested. I'm lonely, sometimes. I have friends, yes. But it's not like I can walk next door and visit them. (Ok, I can. It's about a quarter of a mile away, but she's almost always at work)I don't really fit in around the farm. The other wives work for the dairy. I do not. I'm liberal. They're not. I went to college. They didn't. They're all good people -- people I really enjoy and cherish. But I'm a bit of a fruit loop in the bowl of cheerios around here.

For many years, I used food to distract myself and numb the feelings of guilt, loneliness, boredom and more. I rarely binge anymore and am getting used to recognizing when my body is full or hungry.

It's an odd sensation. I'm often full when there's a lot of food left on my plate. I find my self quite flabbergasted. What the hell are you supposed to do with the extra food? Not everything is suitable for left overs. How do you get this extra food to the starving children in Africa that are supposed to need it? Then I'm always rather stunned that I DON'T know what to do with the food left on my plate. It seems simple enough. You just push the food away. Throw it away. Put it in the scrap bucket. Save it for later. It all seems odd. After all these years of being part of the clean platers club, it's like I've been kicked to the curb.

Today I was able to walk away from a plate. It made me crazy, but I did it. Did a little victory dance, in fact.

Here's the real clincher. My life doesn't suck nearly as bad as I thought it would without my dependence on binge eating. In fact, it's a pretty good life. I have lots of friends, a supportive family, plenty of activities to keep me busy.

While there is certainly a need for better balance in my life, I'm aware, for the first time in a long time, that the journey is the point. I'm always working on bringing things into balance, but perfection isn't necessary. Sometimes, I have it together. Some days, I don't. That's OK.

Part of what makes me who I am is the ability to juggle a lot of projects at once. The trick is understanding when I'm doing a project because I love it, or because I'm trying to hide. Now that I'm listening to my body, I can tell. If I'm getting physically sick at the prospect of a project or task, it's not a task I need to be doing. I can hear my own voice in my head telling me what's good for me and what's not.

Clarity, much to my surprise, is a blessed gift.